Wonderful story- i really enjoyed it and the officer crossing out certain details made me chuckle 🤭
But if you want to flesh it out with further lurid details so it’s more sensual it needs the guys to take over the telling - perhaps from when they get inside the house. And perhaps some arguing (boastful or 1 negging the other one) about the exact chain of events, sensations, etc.
I wasn't sure about the officer when I started but he became a great narrator. I think I would like to strengthen the idea that he has heard all this before, doesn't believe in ghosts and thinks it's all part of daft tourists getting lost.
I think you're right about the guys taking over the telling. It shows the limitations of second person.
It's tough, because I think a police officer is going to kind of 'clean up' the report. I wonder if it would work better if the two were telling the officer the story, so they are giving all the lurid details, maybe at first he tries to keep them on track, but then he writes less and listens more?
I remember first reading a similar tale in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when I was a kid. Still great.
Wonderful story- i really enjoyed it and the officer crossing out certain details made me chuckle 🤭
But if you want to flesh it out with further lurid details so it’s more sensual it needs the guys to take over the telling - perhaps from when they get inside the house. And perhaps some arguing (boastful or 1 negging the other one) about the exact chain of events, sensations, etc.
I wasn't sure about the officer when I started but he became a great narrator. I think I would like to strengthen the idea that he has heard all this before, doesn't believe in ghosts and thinks it's all part of daft tourists getting lost.
I think you're right about the guys taking over the telling. It shows the limitations of second person.
Agreed in both cases - nice to bounce ideas around 😉
It's tough, because I think a police officer is going to kind of 'clean up' the report. I wonder if it would work better if the two were telling the officer the story, so they are giving all the lurid details, maybe at first he tries to keep them on track, but then he writes less and listens more?
I remember first reading a similar tale in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when I was a kid. Still great.
Good point. This could be a case of an author twisting the story to fit a particular technique/POV they want to use.